“This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.” Shakespeare got it right. But I’m not sure he got it all. Not all in this one phrase we like to quote, anyway. To be true to yourself, you first have to know yourself. And sometimes the self you come to know isn’t worth being true to. The journey of self-examination is not complete if, in all your discovering who you are, you never know and rise to who you should be.
The look on this little girl’s face made this picture feel especially appropriate. A kind of mild shock, as though you ought to hear a soft gasp escape that open mouth. It’s exactly how I feel sometimes when I scrutinize how I responded to something or spoke to someone. A little wide-eyed and appalled. What was that?
The kind of person I don’t want to be. That’s usually what that was. The worst in me.
It’s not comfortable to own that. Self-examination is rarely comfortable. But it’s the only way to overcome a behavior that is even more uncomfortable, not just for you but for everyone it splashes on.
You can’t fix what you can’t or don’t or won’t see is broken.
Self-Examination Step 1: Search Yourself
Several months ago, I asked a question here. If the answers you expect when you pray could fill a vessel, what size of container would you bring to collect them? Since then, I’ve wondered something else. What size of vessel do people bring to me? When they need a favor, a listening ear, input, moral support, what do they expect from me? Not what do they want from me, but what do they think I’ll give?
We all have a bar we hope people will rise to. Expectations built on hope. On an instinctive sense of right and wrong, of how things should be. Parents expect their children to be good. Children expect their parents to be good. Teachers expect their students to learn. Students expect their teachers to teach.
But there are also expectations built on what is.
Sometimes they’re the same thing.
Too often they’re much lower.
The parent who has stopped expecting their child to be good, or vice versa, not because they don’t want that anymore but because they’ve lost hope of ever seeing it. Because child, or parent, is never good.
If you want a truly revealing snapshot of your character, look at what people expect of you based on their experience with you. On what you’ve trained them to anticipate. Don’t look at the expectations they built. Look at the ones you built.
When I shine this light on myself, it reveals a whole spectrum of strengths and weaknesses. Parts of me that are approachable, that invite people to bring large baskets because I’m always happy to fill them. Parts of me that would like to fill large baskets but probably only invite people to bring a cereal bowl because I haven’t learned how or lack the emotional health to give more. And parts of me that have taught people to skip a container altogether and bring a shield. It’ll carry whatever scraps of input there are to pick up after I’ve blasted it with my awful tendency to go defensive when my abilities are questioned, my errors corrected, and my settled ways threatened.
When I search myself, I’m afraid much of the good is trapped among all the eggshells I’ve strewn around me and made too many people walk on.
But when I search myself, I also know I’d really like to sweep those eggshells up.
Self-Examination Step 2: Measure Yourself
Some people, no matter what they find when they’ve searched themselves, are content to stay that way. To just exist in their dysfunction. Sometimes it’s because they have a sadly underdeveloped or nonexistent growth mentality. And sometimes it’s because life has taken all the wind out of their sails.
I’ve been there. You can only battle so long before you don’t feel like trying anymore, and I hit a point where I threw my hands in the air and said, “I am what life has made me. If people don’t like what life has made me, they’ll just have to deal with it. I have to.”
I measured by behavior against what I’d become content to expect of myself. Which wasn’t much.
But like all the times I’d given up on God, I realized after trying things that way for a while that it was no way to live. Whatever growth mentality was still flickering feebly inside me wanted more.
All the soul searching in the world won’t do you any good if you won’t measure what you find against a standard worth living up to. The best standard I’ve found that fits that description is God’s. What does he expect of me?
Does my behavior live up to that?
Is that me?
“Let love be without dissimulation. Abhor that which is evil; cleave to that which is good.
“Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another;
“Not slothful in business; fervent in spirit; serving the Lord;
“Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer;
“Distributing to the necessity of saints; given to hospitality.
“Bless them which persecute you: bless, and curse not.
“Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.
“Be of the same mind one toward another. Mind not high things, but condescend to men of low estate. Be not wise in your own conceits.
“Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men.
“If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.
“Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.
“Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.
“Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.”
Paul laid out the whole measuring stick. Does it describe me?
I want it to.
Step 2a: Remember the Difference Between Character and Personality
Before you pull out the broom and mop to clean up any negative expectations you’re sorry you’ve established, measure what you’ve discovered against one more thing: your personality. Because not everything you find in your heart that makes you wonder about yourself needs to change. Some of it needs to be embraced.
I’m an introvert. Quiet. Task-focused. Organized. A little compulsive. Okay, maybe a lot. In personality tests, I’m a beaver. The color blue. Whichever result means everything I just said and other things like that. I am not a people person. Put me in a room alone with a book or a pen and paper (or a computer with a word processing program) and I will happily read or write there all day. Throw me in a crowd of strangers, even in a crowd of people I know, and I’m grateful for anyone who will do the talking so I don’t have to. Observation, I like. Conversation is kind of hard.
That’s not a flaw in my character. It’s often felt like one because people who are social butterflies flitting about the room making others laugh and feel welcome are usually so extremely likeable. While I’m sitting over there striking everyone as unbearably reserved and even displeased.
I don’t know how many times someone passed me in the hall in high school and said, “Smile!”
I guess I always looked unhappy and probably still do to those who don’t realize what they’re seeing is simply a quiet demeanor.
It’s easy to think that to measure up, you have to be the likeable butterfly. But have you ever noticed that when one person says something, it’s hilarious, and when someone else says it–perhaps namely, you, it just sounds stupid? An introvert trying to be an extrovert is like a ladybug trying to be a butterfly. No one believes it.
You’re much better off to just be what you are. Apply Shakespeare’s advice here thoroughly. “To thine own self be true!”
But now examine how you act as what you are. If you ignore everyone who speaks to you because you’re an introvert being true to yourself–that might need some work. Even introverts can be polite. Agreeable. Instigating interactions doesn’t have to come easily. But at least be gracious in the interactions others instigate with you. Step out of your comfort zone a little if that’s what it takes. You can jump back into it when you get home.
By the same token, if you’re an extrovert who plows through an introvert’s comfort zone being true to who you are–you might need to work on that, too. Be cheerful. Be outgoing. But respect the people you’re sharing the space with. To loosely paraphrase a quote I once came across, while you’re telling introverts to step out of their comfort zone, what are you doing to make the zone comfortable?
Bottom line, don’t measure your personality against the standard. Measure how you treat people. That’s what the standard is about. There is room in every personality type to be kind. If there’s not, then it’s not a personality thing. It’s a heart thing.
Pull out the broom and mop for that.
Self-Examination Step 3: Change Yourself
Change is much easier said than done. If it’s hard to put all your shortcomings under a magnifying glass, it’s even harder to overcome them. Especially when the reactions you’ve trained people to expect from you are a direct result of what they’ve trained you to expect from them.
If they always get the worst in you, sometimes it’s because you always get the worst in them. They argue. They’re stubborn. They go against your grain. Maybe they have some searching and measuring and changing to do themselves.
Of course, that’s out of your control.
But it doesn’t then follow that how you interact with them is out of your control.
I learned teaching kindergarten that when things aren’t going well, before you blame someone else for the problem, ask yourself if you’re contributing to it. Did you create it? If you didn’t, are you aggravating it? Look at yourself first. Make any necessary adjustments. Then, with a softer heart and a firmer grip on who you want to be, tackle the rest of the problem. If there’s one left.
It’s amazing how many times there’s not.
It’s like the night I decided to stop groaning inside every time my mom asked me to bring something up from the root cellar for dinner. Those favors dampened whatever moment I was enjoying. Until I stopped letting them. It didn’t change the situation. My mom kept sending me on errands to the root cellar. But I didn’t keep silently complaining. And life was brighter.
That’s a very simplistic example. It’s not always that easy. Some situations I continually have to coach myself through. Be patient. Listen. Be open. Acknowledge this person’s personality and work with it. Don’t antagonize it. Don’t let them antagonize yours. It’s a process. But that is how it works. You search yourself, you measure yourself, you change what you can control. And you’re back in control of a situation you used to feel victimized by. Without bloodshed.
Living up to the standard you’ve measured yourself against might not change anyone else. But it will change–and free–you.
Know Thyself Because of Who Else Does
Ultimately, self-examination is about saying to and of yourself what David said of God.
I’ve searched myself. I’ve become thoroughly acquainted with my ways. Lots of them are wicked. It’s taken a pretty intense refiner’s fire to lead me in the way everlasting, and it’s still a work in progress to stay on it. But I hope, after all my searching, measuring, and changing, that when God searches me, neither of us will be ashamed of what he finds.
Thank you for reading. I hope you’ve found something here worth reflecting on and living up to. Leave a comment about your own self-examination journey and don’t forget to pass this post along!
If this resonates with you, these might too:
What Do You Expect When You Pray?
Finding Peace in the Battle of Unanswered Prayers
A Response to Adversity That Won’t Invite More
Scripture References
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